Proud of Myself

I'm so proud of myself. I managed to refrain from paging you all day today. Of course I checked a million times for messages from you but I managed to not send you a single message. Much as I wanted to. You were emotionally with me from the beginning of this medical saga - or rather, ironically, it was the turning point of our emotional relationship. Or even its knell.

I wondered what if I had AIDS, would you have left me? If I was single, would that have made a difference? I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving. You want a child. A 26-year-old could give you that. I did think about having your child. I thought a lot about a lot of things. But in the end, it all came down to the fact that you couldn't feed me, let alone a child AND me. Yes, I could lead a simpler life but I wouldn't want to and I would be miserable. Could I feed the three of us? Possibly, but I would always think that you were with me for my money. Ergo the impasse. Ergo the end.

So we end up like this. No messages - on what has been a very trying day. But there are plus points.

Firstly, at least you don't know that you are bothering me quite so much. Or maybe you do. I'd rather you didn't know so I have some semblance of self-respect. I'm glad you don't know that I wish you were here.

Secondly, there is no secondly. It's all about the first.